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| December 2001
November 20, 2001
[last night i felt ill...]
Last night I felt ill. I wanted to fall asleep early, so I decided to self-medicate with some wonderful wine called Bainbridge Rosé. I think it's from Nissley (who seem to be having web site troubles). I started my binge around 7:30, watching an episode of Fashion Emergency in which a woman meets her birth mother. The woman, her birth mother, and the birth mother's two other daughters all got makeovers. Neither the woman nor her birth mother expected each other to look the way they did. I sensed mild disappointment. Between gulps of wine, I cut foam core into panels and covered the panels in fabric, the results of which I will soon velcro to my kitchen wall.
I didn't even drink the whole bottle. Nonetheless, by 10 PM, I was feeling more out of it than ever before. A sense of fuzzy disparateness with the rest of matter soon turned into being plain, all-out dizzy and agitated.
Around 11:30, I called Greg, because I figured he's had experience with this sort of thing. He told me I wouldn't puke, because it had been so long since I'd stopped drinking and hadn't puked yet. I asked him when I would stop getting dizzy when I closed my eyes, and he said to close them anyway so I could sleep the dizziness off. That wasn't an option, I said. But then I stopped talking, and my eyes did close, and a few minutes later I remembered I was on the phone and said, "Greggy?" to see if he was still there. He was. Then it happened again, and then I decided to bid him adieu and try to sleep.
At 5:30 AM, I felt relaxed and stable enough to relinquish my tie to wakefulness. Someday soon, I plan to get a good night's sleep. I really need one. When I'm tired, I lie on the couch and succumb to television, and there is so much stuff not getting done in favor of this sluggish behavior.
November 10, 2001
[i have been very productive...]
I have been very productive today because
I am avoiding painting. We are supposed to paint a landscape
scene, and I just seem incapable of this.
Things I have accomplished today:
checks, including one check that was addressed to
my cousin Mary (a grandparent blooper) and one check that
was dated 6/1/01. According to a banker relative, checks
are valid for 6 months if not otherwise noted. I hope this
is the case.
- Bathed my
car at the "Brushless Automatic." The woman
in front of me put money in but did not select what type
of wash she wanted. I didn't realize this at first, but
then when her wash didn't start, I did realize it and made
the selection for her. I did not feel that powerful, because
there was only one type of wash available for the amount
of money she put in. But then she was even more confused
(because the little sign that tells you what to do changed)
and people were honking, and I was waving my hand out the
window to say, "Back up." Then an attendant arrived
and told her to back up. She had simply gone too far.
So, anyway, the Brushless Automatic sucks and my car looks
worse than it did before it got washed, because it has streaks
as well as large weird clean circles where the water hit
the car particularly hard and was actually effective.
a recipe to make for dinner tomorrow.
- Bought a
new black printer cartridge. It cost $32. I thought
I was getting a deal when the printer (which isn't bad)
only cost $29.99. Ha. And I don't even print stuff out that
often. I sense a conspiracy.
- Used my mom's $15 gift certificate from Express. The
shirt I bought is questionable and doesn't fit as well as
it seemed to in the dressing room, but whatever. Their gift
certificate thing is only a ploy to make customers feel
like they are getting something for less than what it's
worth, and thus are somehow "winning," when in
reality they wouldn't have bought anything if not for that
damned gift certificate. This ploy is successful on me.
- Bought groceries. The
main objective was to buy the stuff for tomorrow's dinner.
I estimated the items would cost $48, and they cost $49.52.
good at that.
- Created my Christmas Wish
List List.Complete with Creepy
Winking Santa. Yes, I am greedy. I am hoping that this list
will result in me not having to return lots of clothes.
Mom knows I want clothes for Christmas, but she never knows
which clothes I would want, so she just buys random clothes,
hopes I will like them, and gives me the receipts so I can
take them back.
There is little more depressing to me than going to the
mall on December 26. I always feel sick from getting so
much stuff I don't deserve, and the prospect of buying more
stuff makes me feel even worse. Plus, I feel bad that everyone
in the mall is working, and the mall's own atmosphere is
stale and spent. The feeling I get from shopping on December
26 is most accurately described as doomed, even though there's
no tangible motivation for that emotion.
Actually, I guess there sort of is a reason to feel doomed.
Christmas is the climax of a big ritual of preparation,
and after the day is over, there's nothing to look forward
to except spring, which is almost four months away.
November 01, 2001
[at right: just a taste...]
right: just a taste of the entertainment you'll enjoy once
I finish the Denmark journal!
Does anyone want to be my roommate? Do
I want a roommate?
I saw one of my friends naked last night.
It was not an accident. She posed for my painting class, because
the instructor's trusty model was not so trusty, and he could
not find anyone else.
It is not so weird to see your friend naked, or at least,
it wasn't for me. The setting was such that she became a thing
to paint, rather than a person exposed. Maybe that's admitting
objectification, but when you're trying to figure out how
to go about capturing something in front of you realistically
on a canvas, you sort of have to break it (or him or her)
down into lines and spots of color. Only the good painters
have to worry about capturing personality, too. I'm not there
But all this isn't to say that it would
have been superweird to see my friend naked if it was not
in an artistic context. It's just not something I am accustomed