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« November 2003 | Main | January 2004 »

December 27, 2003

Someone searched Google yesterday for "beth sullivan stephen." Searches like these always strike me as intrusive, but they're also among the most interesting. Who performed this search? Was it a relative of Stephen's or mine? A new girlfriend I don't know about? A snoopy acquaintence?

Stephen broke up with me on December 11. I called him expecting to talk about plans for seeing him over the New Year and ended up with a sleepless, teary night. It's been very difficult; I loved him, and I still do. I worked hard throughout the year to help him get past problems that plagued us. I stuck with him through behavior that would have been cause for curb-tossing in anyone else. I had faith in love and faith in him. I am not a perfect girlfriend, but I'm loyal and open and generous. I'm also probably too romantic for my own good.

Stephen is away for five years earning a master's degree and doctorate. I had been viewing our separation as something akin to our grandparents during WWII; we may have been apart, but we were in each other's hearts. I planned to join him in his city after a couple of years. I thought we could make it work. But he tells me I would never be happy there, that I would never find a job I'd like, that he isn't worth my effort. Of course, anyone who says these sorts of things is not worth the effort of the recipient. He didn't have faith in me. But for awhile, I had enough faith for the both of us. I was in love.

So, a tough year ends in a fittingly tough way. I don't have regrets, but I do have fears. I'm afraid I've lost a good friend. I'm afraid it will take a long time to find someone I feel so strongly about. I'm afraid I won't fall in love again. It's okay, though. I am strong, and I have really great friends. I'm ready to be single for awhile.

File under DAILY. Posted at 12:00 AM

December 07, 2003
visual stimulation

Some new pictures, since I haven't had much to say lately. We have, from top to bottom:

  • the last day at the Vet
  • a convenience store in Toronto called "," which has no affiliation with any website, let alone
  • Halloween costumes
  • two incredibly drunk guys who approached Steve and me yesterday afternoon as we took photos in the street

I start a new job tomorrow. Wish me luck.

File under DAILY. Posted at 12:00 AM